What is a Discernment Group?

A Brief Story from Literally Just This Week

Among the many labels I carry, "entreprenuer" is among them. On occasion people ask me, "So, what does a typical day look like for you?"

This is a difficult question for me to ansewr becuase every day is unique. Sometimes I have numerous meetings. Some days I'm writing. Others studying. And on every day, I'm picking kids up from school, making meals, and helping with homework.

One thing that really helps me keep things moving in my life is a group like the one I'll describe below. I was a part of one just this week in fact, and I lead other groups like it every single month. They help me see the bigger picture. They help me get in touch with limiting thoughts or emotional pitfalls that I may not be paying attention to but may well be holding me back. And they motivate me to just get those things done that I've been thinking about but not getting back to.

Now mind you, this doesn't mean that I'm not constantly doing work-related things. But life has a way of stalling out.

From just this week:

I had emailed an organization months ago about reviewing my book. Someone in that organization had responded that they would forward my email to the appropriate person. Months had gone by without any additional follow up. As a result of my peer group, I ended up taking the time to go to their website, find the name of the person who was supposed to receive the email so that I could contact them directly. I sent an email, and three days later, they got back in touch with an address for where I could send the book to and an affirmation that the review would be in one of their future publications.

And it's not like any of that is hard, but life is life. There tend to be a lot of cogs in the wheel, details abounding everywhere, certain things getting the attention becuase they seem pressing today...and in the meantime...something else that we really care about collects dust on the shelf.

Okay, one more story from this week...

The same is true with our emotions. I have stories about this as well. Sometimes I haven't even realized what the real grief has been until I'm telling the story, and it comes out of me. This was also true just recently when I found some deep pain I was holding on to from 19 years ago.

As I told my story, one of the group members said, "I feel like what you're describing is that there were these things all stuffed in a suitcase. And what you've done is taken them out, given them a long loving look, and have now folded them nicely so that there is room for them in your life."

So true.

So...what are Discernment Groups?

They're a place where we learn and grow by way of getting to share our stories, ask questions, and offer loving kindness to one another. They're spaces we create together by offering each other our full and undivided attention and by our agreements to be kind and considerate, to not offer advice, and to keep what is said in the group confidential.

Exact formats for the time can vary, but the general framework is that a time of sharing begins with a designated Presenter. They present themselves in relationship to something in particular. They may be coming with a story of loss, a feeling they've been struggling with, a pressing question that they're having trouble discerning...

As a group, we agree to give this person our full attention. We listen to words, but we also pay attention to where silences occur. We notice body language. We take note of language that may have passed the presenter by as they spoke from the heart but maybe haven't even heard themselves say.

After a period of silence and reflection, the group offers their questions, noticings, and mirrorings to the presenter. Maybe there's a sentence, phrase, or word from the Presenter's story that holds more information, more clarity. Maybe a lot of facts have been shared, but the heart or the body hasn't had its say yet. The group offers these questions and noticings as an opportunity for expansion and exploration - discernment.

Another pause occurs. The Presenter is given the floor again to share whatever else is coming up for them. They may choose to answer the questions or noticings that have been offered or they may realize that a question of their own has arisen that they'd like to explore.

To conclude a person's sharing, affirmations are offered to the Presenter as the group wishes them well. It is understood that discernment will continue for the Presenter even after the Group has ended.

Guidelines for Groups

In order for a Discernment Group to work will, it is imperative for the group to enter into an agreement with one another. Many of these have been sprinkled through the description above, but in a group, it is important that the group lay this groundwork before beginning to hold space together as the agreements created the container for all else that happens. The group tends to agree to show up on time and to be present. To "step up and step back" by sharing and contributing but then leaving space for others to do the same. Groups are not a time for teaching or counseling. They function with the understanding that there is Wisdom that lies within each and every one of us. If all we needed was to have tried this thing or that, we wouldn't be bringing it to Discernement Group. If we are having trouble sleeping, we aren't sharing about this becuase all we needed was the right meditation app to get us ready for bed.

At the same token, the Presenter is coming having given their time to share some forethought in order to be able to articulate what they are needing or hoping for.

And a word to the wise here - many of us are used to people giving us advice. So when given this open-ended space, it can be tempting to say, "I'm wondering what all of you would do." As easy as it is for those words to come out of our mouths, we probably won't get all that much help from everyone telling us what they would do...becuase they aren't us.

The group can help with this by asking questions that can help the Presenter consider what matters most to them and is resonating most deeply within them. For example, we might ask:

• Is there a time in your life when this has gone well?

• You used the words "soul crushing" before. That's a lot! What would it take for things not to feel that way?

• You mentioned you had some ideas before, but then you went in another direction. I'd be curious to hear about those ideas.

In this way, we open up space for the Presenter to come to the heart of the matter FOR THEM.

Do you get anything out of being the Group Member then?

Interestingly enough, it can be easy to assume that Presenters get the benefits and Group Members become support to the Presenter, and this is true to some extent. But the truth is, many of us will find that we can very much relate to whatever the Presenter is bringing. The questions we ask may well spark questions for us that we'd like to ask ourselves. Ideas may emerge for us. Doors for tending to our own emotions and needs may open. It's very common for the whole group to leave with takeaways even if they weren't a Presenter that day.

How do I join a Discernment Group?

It's as simple as sending an email. Groups do need 5 - 8 people, so if you have someone that you'd like to invite to join you, this will be helpful in getting us to that minimum of 5 people. Once we have a group of at least 5, we can begin looking for common times that work for everyone in the group. From there, we'll create a standing monthly meeting for the next 6 months. Payment options ($50 for 6 hour-long meetings) are discussed, and everyone pays before the start of the first meeting as a way of securing their place in the group.

To learn more, check out the Tending Me website on Discernement Groups under the Spiritual Guidance tab.

To get started, email info@tendingme.com